So I begin growing, my hunger for God and the things of God felt so insatiable! I never experienced this before, there were spurts when I was in Junior High School - after retreats - that I was on a spiritual high, but that lasted only 2 or 3 days after the retreat. But this was different, it was living, beating, thinking continuously about Jesus - and I wanted more of Him. So I turned to the Bible, of course and started reading. I found out that if you read 10 chapters a day you can finish the Bible in 6 months, and I heard a Pastor say, "It's good to read straight through the Bible once so that you get an overview a more complete view of what the Bible says," and I took his advice so I read the Bible twice that year - and boy was it messy, underlines, color pencil highlights, writing on the side margins - but it was also my Bible. The first one that I had ever bought with my own money, and it was God's Word to me.
I started listening to Christian music, and though it was not as catchy as the House Music that I used to DJ to, it felt deeper. Steve Camp, Run to the Battle, Stranger to Your Holiness, Keith Green, Create in me a Clean heart, etc... and I would often weep as I worshiped God in the car or listening on my walkman. I also picked up the guitar and started learning chords and just started playing simple G, Em, C, D chord songs - Lord, I lift Your Name on High, Jesus Draw Me Close, Nails in Your Hands, Because He lives - and I would just sit and sing in God's presence for 1-2 hours - He felt more real to me than any person that I could see or touch. It was like I knew what I was made for! To worship Him, and enjoy Him forever.
I also started attending the K.B.S Korean Bible Study on Cornell campus. I didn't know anybody, but some of them knew me as the Violent Party Animal, and they would come up to me and ask what I was doing there. I could imagine there was a sense of distrust like, "this guy is only here to pick up women." Farthest from the truth, for the first time since my 2nd year in College - I actually wanted to stay faithful to my girlfriend who at that time who was living near NYC. I just needed Christian fellowship so badly, it wasn't easy to come by - but Christ had changed me so much that I went from a very quite guy who always needed Alcohol to become more social, to a much more social guy who didn't need any alcohol. And as I kept reaching out to the Christians at KBS, I met and made some really godly friends who tremendously impacted my life as I saw their spiritual maturity and godly character even at such a young age and in the midst of the peer pressure Cornell secular society.
We had prayer meetings, not because anyone forced it, but there was this hunger in our hearts. When we went to a retreat I remember, going to a corner to just pray and have some time with God, and one of the leaders (who was younger than me) came over and just started weeping and said, Doug can we pray together for the students at Cornell and Ithaca - that God would touch their hearts. And it was like fuel on fire! I am so thankful for that time, how God took me out of meaninglessness, drunkeness, debauchery and filled it with Him and a Christ centered community. Perhaps that's why, even to this day - I continue to long for that, where it wasn't Pastor Doug, or leader Doug - it was just a bunch of young Christians who really hungry for God, and nothing would satisfy us - except for Him.
However, I think there was a problem in that - not a big problem, but a foundational problem. We had not "adult" or "well rounded" Christian elder. We only had a Pastor whose church we went to for Sunday service - but no one that came and spoke life and truth into us on Fridays when KBS met. Now, I think that's a good thing, because it really caused us College students to mature - but I think it's a bad thing, cause we only saw the "institutional" Church leadership model. With Pastor up top, and an eldership that sometimes is visible and sometimes not. So as Senior year came about, and other members of KBS that I loved and trusted started saying to me, oh you are a leader, oh you should become a Pastor - my thought was, well I love serving God, and I know that God has called me to be a servant - why not be a Pastor! From the moment I decided to go to Seminary with the purpose of becoming a Pastor - my attitude changed, and the way that people treated me changed. I was no longer, a broken, weak, helpless, sinner in desperate need of God, and to be filled continuously with the Holy Spirit - just like everyone else! Now I was Pastor to be Doug, a spiritual man (at least needed to appear so), whose serious about ministry (still am - but not needing the title of occupational Pastor), whose a clergy apart from laity and specially called by God (not true according to 1 Peter 2:9).
My friend fellowship turned into spiritual mentoring relationships - I saw myself, and sadly others saw me primarily as a leader, and not a brother in Christ!!! To this day I live with this regret, I just want to be a brother in Christ, I just want to be a fellow worker in Christ - who can share my struggles and joys, as well as help carry your struggles and joys with you. I'm slowly learning, please be patient with me - cause I want to be defined by who Christ says I am - apart from the Title.
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