Defining the me - apart from the Title!

Jesus Christ found me just a month after I turned 21.  That was a big thing, because all throughout College I wanted to be legal, no more trying to fake my age, with a fake ID - free to go drink.  But God had different plans, and of course I am so thankful.  Who was I when Christ first found me?

1. A korean-american college student who was always 1 semester away from probation
2. a DJ - who loved listening to house music and getting the latest LPs from Europe
3. a Party loving animal - who couldn't wait for the weekend so tried to party every night (hence close always a step away from academic probation)
4. a womanizer - had a girl friend back at home (NYC), while looking all the time to hook up with girls at College (Ithaca)
5. Violent - especially when intoxicated, was in a fight or tried to start a fight almost every weekend - I was the very definition of beer muscles
6. Stylish - always tried to look good, Z-cavarichi, etc... (even put a hair-band on like those guys in 21 Jumpstreet - it was a big mistake and I did it only once)
7. Lonely - could never be alone, except to watch porn - otherwise always wanted to be around my friends (co-dependent)
8. Angry - at my father, deep rooted hatred for his korean-ness (ask other korean kids what that means and they will tell you)
9. Purposeless/visionless - I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, only going to college because I was "supposed to" and get to be close to my friends at Cornell.  I studied only to get to the weekend to party.
10. Smoking cigarettes, and getting into marijuana - by my Junior year I was contemplating selling it to make some extra money
11. Insecure - never liked my fat body, never thought I was attractive.  I always said, Some guys are like Flowers and wow the girls, I'm like a weed, I just grow on girl. 

 There are definitely others, but these are the ones that are clearly significant to me.  Even with these pathetic characteristics, and wicked sinfulness - Jesus Christ found me and saved me on December 17, 1991.  I was over at my friends' place on the Cornell Campus.  There were five of us: Dale, Michael, Tommy, Sang and me.  We were just sitting around watching T.V., having a few beers, smoking some cigs and for some reason started talking about Church retreats.  I had grown up in Church, but completely walked away from it after I entered College.  Tommy, Sang and I reminisced about retreats we had been on, and for some reason we started crying (Holy Spirit's moving).  Dale and Mike looked over at us and said, "are you guys crying? What's wrong with you?!"  Wiping our tears we all agreed, what is wrong with us?  Then Dale said, "there is no such thing as God!" Mike countered, "how do you know, are you God?"  Dale thought for a moment and said, "Okay, even if there is a God, Jesus Christ is definitely not the only way!"  Tommy and Sang, who both grew up in a church like myself agreed - "yeah, there are probably other ways."  Then I put in my two cents, "What are you guys talking about, you know what the Bible says, Jesus is the only way, the truth and life - no one comes to the Father except through me!"  And I'm smoking a cig and drinking a beer - and it was right then that God showed me, "you know the truth, but you are living a lie."  For some reason I put my cigarette out and said goodbye to my friends and went back to my place on the Ithaca College side.
     It was 8pm when I got home and snow was falling lightly, and as I walked into my bedroom I sat on the bed.  I haven't prayed in 4 or 5 years, and now I sat silent on my bed, and all that came out was, "Jesus, I know that You are real, but I don't want to follow You."  I wasn't looking for God, I wanted more fun, because all the fun wasn't enough to give me fulfillment.  As I said that simple yet honest prayer I felt immediately a heavy weight upon my shoulders and I started to wonder what is this?  Then like the film of a movie, all my sins started to pass before my eyes (everything I mentioned above and more), and I was petrified/horrified.  The thought that came to me was, what am I gonna do when I stand before a Holy God - with all these sins!  I began to ask God, please help me, please forgive me.  Right then in my mind's eye (I hope that's not new age-ish), because my eyes were closed but I saw a vision of Jesus hanging on the Cross.  I didn't see His face, just His hands and feet that were nailed to the Cross, and His body which was beaten and flogged.  And His blood began to trickle down towards me and as it touched me I felt the complete forgiveness of sin - the weight upon my shoulders was gone, completely gone!  I got up grabbed the porno mags, the cigarettes, the marijuana that was in my closet and threw into a trash bag and chucked it into the Garbage Bin outside.
     I came back into my place, and it was so amazing - the feeling of forgiveness.  I sat down on the bed and just thanked God, but something felt out of line, incomplete.  And as I asked God what is it - my eyes met the four crates of 12 inch LP's that I had collected for the past 4 years - remember DJ.  God was tugging on my heart to give it up - I freaked out and called my younger sister who at that time was 15 years old (a christian before me).  And she told me, "Oppa, you're an adult do what you gotta do!"  I put her on hold and grabbed the crates one by one and threw them out into the dumpster.  The whole time the thoughts that were running through my mind was - "what are you doing?   You don't have to do that!"  After I came back in, I picked up the phone and told my sister, "I threw away all my records."  That's when I believe I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.  I couldn't speak anymore as tears, buggers, and drool came out of my mouth.  So I hung up with my sister, and went into my bedroom and prayed, and rejoiced, and thanked, and worshiped, and I looked at my watch and it was 3:30am.  I had been in God's presence since 8pm - but it only felt like 10 minutes.  I told the LORD, I have to go to sleep because I have a final tomorrow morning.
     Woke up at 6am, and showered - and started out the door and I still remember it was cloudly with light snowfall (gloomy), but it felt like the most glorious day of all - because I was finally alive in Christ.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20.  
It wasn't just a Bible verse that my Sunday school teacher read out loud, it was real - I no longer live, but Christ who lives in me!  And I felt truly alive, God has saved me and changed me.  Amazingly I had no desire to smoke, drink, curse, fight, - things that I always felt before, but now that was gone.  It's like the movie Sound of Music when that 16 year old daughter kisses that boy in the Glass gazebo - and afterwards she spins going "Wheeeeeeee!" in ecstasy - that is just a little bit of how ecstatic I felt.  God is real, more real than anyone that I have ever touched, talked to, or walked with!  And He forgives me and loves me. 
     After coming back from class (final exam), my roommate - A.K. , is walking up the staircase to his room.  And suddenly I get this urge inside of me that I am to tell A.K that Jesus loves him.  What!?  No way, I hate A.K., he is so cheap - always hording food, writing on paper bags "A.K.'s food don't touch!"  While the other roomates always shared.  Often times me and Joel my other roommate would joke, let's beat up A.K. while he is sleeping.  But at this time, I feel so compelled to tell A.K. Jesus loves you - and so I do.  A.K. runs upstairs startled and screams back at me - "Jesus loves you too Doug."  Man, I have been changed, even as I say that to A.K., my heart towards him changes from hatred to love and compassion.  Jesus is real, and He has really changed me. 

So this is me - apart from the Title, before I became an occupational "Pastor."  A sinful, broken, pathetic, pointless, meaningless, visionless, alcoholic, drug smoking, violent, lustful, angry man - saved amazingly and so graciously by the Blood of Jesus.  And even though all my friends would reject me because I am a Christian, it mattered very little, because I know who I am now, I am a child of God, adopted by the price of Jesus' blood to be a son.  A newborn son craving spiritual milk, and just wanting to know better, more intimately the One who loves me so intimately!